There are dates on the calendar that will always carry a little more weight than others.

For me, July 4, 2014, is one of those days.

It was the day Jason and I met for the very first time. Our first date was at Chili’s. We sat in a little booth, shared flatbread pizzas, and drank water. Later, those simple choices became something we’d laugh about because if you knew Jason, you knew none of those would have ever been his first choice. Looking back now, it’s funny how the smallest details from an ordinary evening become some of the memories you treasure the most.

As this anniversary approaches each year, I feel that familiar heaviness. But it’s the bittersweet kind I’ve talked about before. Instead of only feeling the pain, I find myself reliving the joy. I tell the stories. I smile at the memories. I remember the man who changed my life forever.

Today, my husband Terry and I celebrate the Fourth of July for multiple reasons. We celebrate our country, we celebrate the beautiful story that began on that July evening years ago, and we celebrate the blessings God continues to write in our lives today.

I’ve learned that anniversaries don’t come wrapped in one emotion. They come with happiness, sadness, gratitude, longing, laughter, and tears, all at the same time. And that’s okay.

Early in my grief journey, people would tell me, “Time heals.”

If I’m honest, I don’t believe time heals.

Time doesn’t erase the loss or make you stop missing someone you love. What time does do is give you space to process your grief in ways you never thought possible. The first year feels like your heart is breaking all over again with every milestone. By the third year, the tears still come, but sometimes they’re accompanied by a smile.

That’s growth.

Not because you love them any less, but because you’ve learned to carry both your grief and your love together.

One of the greatest gifts you can give yourself is grace.

Grace to feel however you feel.

Grace to cry.

Grace to laugh.

Grace to remember.

Grace to celebrate.

Grace to simply make it through the day.

If you’re blessed the way I have been, with people who understand, who sit with you, pray for you, or simply check on you, don’t be afraid to tell them what you need. Sometimes all I can say is, “Today, I just need a lot of God’s grace.”

I have been incredibly blessed to have someone who walks through those moments with me. Terry has become my safe place on the days grief feels heavy. He has held me through the tears, listened to the stories, celebrated the memories, and reminded me that it’s okay to smile again. On the days I lose my “why,” he gently helps me find it again. That doesn’t diminish the love I have for Jason. It simply reminds me that God can place people in our lives who help carry us when the weight of grief feels too heavy to bear.

Because understanding still isn’t something I’ve found.

It may never be.

But God’s grace has never failed me.

There are moments when, within five minutes, I can experience every emotion grief has to offer. Then I take a deep breath, whisper a prayer, and try again in the next moment.

That’s grief.

Anniversaries have a way of making us search our souls.

Do I stay in bed?

Do I cry?

Do I isolate because that’s what people think grief is supposed to look like?

Or do I remember?

Do I laugh?

Do I tell the stories?

Do I make new memories while still honoring the old ones?

Losing Jason taught me something I never wanted to learn.

Tomorrow is never promised.

Some people will eventually let the memories fade. I choose not to.

After you’ve learned how to breathe again, you also have to learn how to live again.

I believe with all my heart that’s what Jason would want for me.

So this Fourth of July, Terry and I will continue our tradition. We’ll celebrate the memories that started it all. We’ll laugh with the people we love. We’ll look toward the sky as fireworks light up the night, and we’ll send silent prayers and messages to those we love and miss so deeply in Heaven.

Grief doesn’t mean life stops.

It simply means love continues in a different way.

So wherever you are in your journey, give yourself grace. Allow yourself to create new beginnings, new traditions, and new memories. None of those things erase the love you have for the one you’ve lost. If anything, they honor it.

Grief may forever be part of my story, but by God’s grace, it is no longer the end of it.

Have a blessed week, friends.

Thank you for reading.

And remember to always…

#LoveLikeJason

“Because of the Lord’s faithful love we do not perish, for His mercies never end. They are new every morning; great is Your faithfulness.”

Lamentations 3:22-23